How do I remember myself in partnership?
An idea I constantly find myself pondering, and if you’ve found yourself here asking this same question, I’d like to explore it with you.
There are so many different angles to approach this topic, but lets focus on YOU. Your needs and desires in your life, your goals, your truth, your passions and your dreams. What makes you excited and reminds you that you are free to be a dynamic, independent, creative individual? This is the perfect place to begin remembering yourself in partnership.
So lets talk about some of the things that make this first step difficult and how to overcome them.
Unrealistic expectations
How many meaningful, deep and trustworthy relationships do you have? We must acknowledge the undeniable individualistic society that many of us live in, and how difficult it can be to really belong to a community, to develop and maintain multiple relationships that are supportive and healthy. I can’t tell you how many of my clients come into my office facing this truth of isolation; craving creative connection but finding it so incredibly challenging to cultivate. However, there is one connection most of them have in common: a partner.
In this great obstacle of building community and making friends, there is your partner. The person you have managed to connect with on a very deep level, who hopefully accepts and loves all of you. Somehow, they’ve become your everything. Which can feel really beautiful initially, but at some point can become a parasite to the relationship. You know how much you love each other, how much you mean to each other and that no one else really gets you the way they do. The reality is, your partner can’t meet all of your needs, they can’t be every other relationship you wish you had, they can’t connect with you on every single level that you crave, and they can’t fulfill you. Period.
You need other means of support, of reflection and places to put your energy. You need other avenues to explore your ideas, get feedback and to grow.
Try something new. Take a class in something you’ve always wanted to, you’ll likely meet at least one person there that you can connect with, that you can bond with over something you’re interested in. It might not be the deepest most creative connection, but proof that you can put yourself out there, honor new interests and allow others to witness your growth.
Get a therapist. I’ve had multiple clients come in who are new to therapy and are just genuinely unsure about what happens in therapy. One client, after googling “what to talk about in therapy” showed up to our initial session and asked me “What is therapy? What kind of strategies are used to help people change, and what should I be doing here to help that change take place?” I obviously had a lot to say. But I went with, “I’m here to model a healthy, appropriate, meaningful relationship.” Which may seem dry, but as victims of such an individualistic society, this is actually a very grand concept. A therapist has the ability to listen non-judgmentally, offer insight and reflection into personal processes, provide consistent support, challenge you when you need to be challenged and witness the sacred, vulnerable parts of your that you may otherwise feel protective of. And let’s face it, sometimes it’s just nice to be able to talk about yourself.
Travel (insert big, cheesy smile here). I’ve written about travel before, and how I believe it’s one of the best ways to tap into your intuition. Your heart’s whisper I’ve called it. There is something so profound about stepping outside of your comfort zone and challenging yourself in this particular way. So plan ahead and make it a real goal. Not just a ‘I really want to travel’ goal. Look at your finances, pick a time frame, and start setting aside money. Go alone, with a friend or with your partner. Regardless, you will feel your intuition kick in, in an unfamiliar place. You’ll also probably try new things, meet new people and get i n s p i r e d. Consciously place yourself in the way of the unfamiliar and you will discover another version of yourself.
Societal pressures
This is a big one for me. “You gotta get married, buy a house, have children, settle down already, THE CLOCK IS TICKING!” says society at large. Of course there is the biological clock if you want to have a child by birth but the order and pace in which you do things is up to you and your partner(s) for my non-monogamists on here. That’s it. I often need a reminder to reorient myself to my actual relationship involving just my partner and I, rather than this imaginary relationship involving society and I…Sorry society but you need to learn A LOT more about consent before you and I could ever be in a partnership.
There is pressure to plan. Plan as much as you can, and then plan some more. Planning is not a bad thing, but over-planning…bad. Maybe you do know deep in your heart that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and planning will help you ensure that this is exactly what happens. That’s great! But remember there is a limit. Over-planning leaves little-to-no room for spontaneity, nuance and ultimately growth. There’s no space to witness and be witnessed in our evolution as individuals as well as partners.
What’s important to YOU in a relationship or partnership? What are your relationship values and what kind of culture does your partnership thrive on?
Stay present. Have open, ongoing dialogue about desires. Groundbreaking, I know. What brought you together in the first place? For many partnerships it was as simple as being able to have a good time together, enjoying the other’s company. I’ve found that the beginning pillars that a relationship is built upon eventually begin to crumble beneath the weight of society’s expectations for what a relationship should be. Partners forget to check in with one another - “Are we still having fun together and enjoying each other’s company?” Of course relationships become complex and challenging and it certainly is not fun all of the time, but what brought you together initially is your foundation, and it needs to be there in some way as your relationship evolves.
Advocate for yourself and each other. Remember that each person in the relationship is unique on their own, and that this uniqueness is what makes the relationship so rich and beautiful. If you and your partner were to become the same person, your connection would be far less interesting. Encourage one another’s individuality and growth, keep listening and paying attention. Would they support you in trying something new, getting a therapist or traveling on your own? Is there room for you to be your own person as well as a caring, loving partner? And more importantly, would you support them? And is there room for your partner to be their own person, without it meaning they’re any less of a partner to you?