Can we keep folx in our lives with whom we’ve been in toxic relationships?

My initial response is no! Because I’m absolutely terrified of energy vampires. However, my second, more thoughtful response is in the form of a question: “Well, how much energy does it require?”

We throw the word toxic around a lot in relationship rhetoric and there are so many shapes a toxic relationship can take. It can be romantic, familial, with friendships, with work, with exercise, with eating, drinking, social media, the list goes on. I suppose anything with which we relate to and can influence our sense of self-worth can potentially become toxic.

I want to focus on the interpersonal though, so the relationships we have with others. When the veil lifts and we realize someone is no longer good for us, or never was, the immediate feeling might be to just flee. And in some cases, this is absolutely 100% without a doubt the smartest, and potentially safest way to react. However, in many other cases, when the toxicity exists in relation to another family member for instance, the remedy is not so simple.

Even in romantic relationships where toxicity takes the reigns, it’s not always easy to leave. Of course love in its truest, deepest form is compromised in dysfunctional, unhealthy connections, but that doesn’t mean there is no love whatsoever, right?

This is likely most easily answered by those who have experienced healthy, functional love in relation to others, because they’re able to use that love as a model to clarify if there really is unconditional love for this person despite the toxicity. But of course, not all of us have had the luxury of experiencing love.

Regardless of where you fall on this spectrum, there are 3 things I believe should inform how you move next. Boundaries. Space. Time.

Take your power back. Whatever it was that you gave to them, take it back. Your passwords, your dignity, your self-esteem, your time, your space, your other relationships, your self-love, your worth, your projection of your highest self. It’s actually incredible the amount we can lose without even realizing it while in the throes of a toxic relationship.

Can we see the good in people outside of whether they’re good for us? Perhaps once you’ve retrieved your power, yes. Now, power retrieval is no easy feat…especially if you can’t just cut them out of your life. This is where the question of how much energy it requires enters. We will constantly be required to negotiate our own energy in retrieving our power from someone with whom we’ve been in a toxic relationship. And it can become quite exhausting. There’s a high possibility (especially if they are not working on themselves) that they will continue to trigger us, challenge us, disappoint us, and just plain ol’ mistreat us. So, get curious about how much energy it costs to keep this person around, and at what proximity feels the best.

There may be a sweet spot in which you two can exist sometime in the future, but sometimes you just have to let them be in the past.

with Love,

Jess